Today Ellie and I played “slow-poke, fast-poke” up and down the slide (she walked as slowly as possible down the slide and as quickly as possible up).

Next, we slid a box of wheat thin crackers up and down the slide transforming the once rectangular crackers into a mangled box of cracker-crumblets.

It was time to mix things up and head out on a shopping adventure to find Mommy something to wear for that “in-between being pregnant, giving birth, losing most of the weight but not quite all, determined to be slimmer than before being pregnant, so not interested in spending a lot of coin on clothes that are simply a stepping stone towards ultimate victory” phase. Anyone who has given birth has made this trip and I probably need not say it does not end well.

The key is trying not to focus on the size but rather the style. There are a couple of absolutes that I must repeat to myself while browsing.

1. Length. You need tops that cover any excess flab around the middle which has everything to do with how long the shirt is. Buying something that is too short will only show off the low rise pants, high rise undies in your next round of duck-duck-goose.

2. Material. Find material that bunches, flows and does not hug your skin anywhere. Remember agape love that gives to the rest of the world vs. phileo that brings love inward? You want your clothes to hug the outside world, not your soon-to-be sizzling thighs.

3. Material the second. Do not buy silk, linen or anything that can’t easily remove baby spit up or sticky finger goo with one stroke of a tide-to-go stick.

4. Material the third. Think about nursing access. If it doesn’t have enough give below the bust line, you will find yourself hiking your entire shirt up to your neck to feed the baby, thus exposing the back-fat you are shopping to hide in the first place.

5. Material the fourth. Patterns are your friends. They are forgiving, hide stains and through the art of trickery, foil people into thinking you have lost more weight than you actually have.

6. Pants. You looked at the size and now you’re crying. I specifically said, “Do not look at the size.”

7. You tried on the size you think you should be and now you’re inconsolable because even if you do manage to drag them over your calves, you still have to climb that mountain and take two cheeks into account.

8. Pants round two. Find something with stretch, no rear pockets and focus on solid, dark colours.

9. Get out of the pyjama aisle. This is not daywear.

10. If you purchase baseball hats, you will wear them and stop combing your hair. That is a sign of defeat. You’re better than that.