Writing that book will wait another day. Instead, I am going to the grocery store.

I’m spending a lot more time at the grocery store now that I’m home with my kids. Car-seat baby rides up front, blocking my view of the child who is riding at the back of the cart as well as all food and other shoppers that will inevitably be run over if they are not paying attention, because one of us really should be.

It seems only fair that I run over your open toed shoes because the next aisle over, you’ll pay me back by sticking your chicken fingers (not the food) in and around my baby’s mouth….coochie, coochie coo.

I am the woman with the bum wheel, thankful that my kids have learned the answer is always “no” to anything they ask for and therefore are not the kids screaming, kicking and throwing fits in every aisle of the store.

Unloading at the check-out—I really can’t emphasize this enough. When checking out, please push your cart down the side of the narrow lane towards the exit. DON’T STAND BEHIND IT TO UNLOAD. Standing behind your cart while unloading causes a huge back-up of frustrated shoppers, knowing that two or three more carts could avoid blocking the store if YOU would push your cart ahead and unload it sideways.

Don’t read the trashy magazines. It makes you look uninformed and cheap. You are the reason our society is obsessed with celebrities and cause personal and physical injury to the stars to ensure their baby’s pictures make it onto the cover.

Do take a course on how to insert your quarter into the cart or you will dislocate your shoulder trying to yank two of them apart.

DON’T ASK THE 16 year old working the till “Which do you recommend?” while handing her two containers of ricotta cheese. These individuals are paid to memorize thousands of codes, most CFO’s couldn’t remember (for $12/hour). They are not your personal cheese sommelier.

Don’t shop on weekends. Quit your job if you have to, the time it saves you alone is worth it.

Don’t attempt to purchase or return large water jugs. Sell your cooler and install a water system on your tap. The process of having someone over-ride your purchase is time consuming, confusing and you end up either $20 ahead or $50 in the metaphorical watering hole. Also, when you are the person involved in the jug exchange, nobody wants to be in your line because the wait for a manager to come over and slap a series of random buttons on the register before you can proceed is exhausting.

Your choices tell me a lot about the person you are;

Cans of beans, mac and cheese by the case, you are a bachelor

Seventeen cans of tuna, you probably live with too many cats

Nothing but chips and chocolate, your husband is in for a rough weekend

Lucky Charms cereal, you haven’t read a health related magazine, book or newspaper in over 30 years

An absence of any produce, you are a student

Two large jugs of bleach, you are a serial killer off to clean up the crime scene

“Mamma? Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

(Doubtful)

“We should mix our paints together when we get home!”

(Not even close)

If kids are experts at pointing out the obvious, why don’t they say things like, “Wow, that woman with the smart outfit, $300 jeans and fabulous hair-cut sure looks well put together today.” Instead, they opt to shout as we select our yogurt, “Mommy, that lady only has two teeth on the outside and none in the middle!!!”  As if the woman, the other shoppers and the store clerks weren’t already aware.

Or “Mommy, are you chewing gum because your breath smells gross?”

“Yes”