1. There are more tattoos than people. There are a lot of people who enjoy tricking me by writing their tattoos in Roman numerals so I stare at them for a long time but I don’t know what they mean.
2. When a guy named “Todd” approaches you claiming to be a staff photographer asking permission to take pictures of your family in exchange for free ice cream, always say yes but then explain to the kids this is only okay as long as the ice cream is a flavour they love.
3. Going down a water slide with one of your kids is something all parents should experience. The tandem enema to conclude the journey will stick with you for a while.
4. Brain eating amoebas don’t live at water parks (unless you are in Florida). You need to just stop thinking about them every second of every day and focus on the warm, fresh water you are about to inhale.
5. Every woman on the planet has larger breasts than I do. Most are bigger than my head. One jug=one head. Wow.
6. People still lather themselves in baby oil and sun bathe on cement. Those same people have tattoos of the baby oil’s expiry date across the small of their backs, in Roman numerals.
7. When you tell your kids, “One more slide” they will return three hours later with thousands of reasons why they had to go down several different slides, twenty-eight times each.
8. Water park bathrooms might be where brain eating amoebas first spawned.
9. When I was a kid and I heard the bell ringing for the wave pool to start I used to Baywatch my way into the water and never leave until the waves came to a stop or I had to re-apply the baby oil. Today, I can’t even look at the wave pool without becoming completely nauseous.
10. There’s nothing lazy about a lazy river.