Chloe (age 4) “Mommy, do you know what everyone has?”
Another trick. I know this is a trick. Walk away, your answers have never been right. This ends badly, do not fall for it. You’ve been working this gig for ten years. Serenity now. Do. Not. Fall. For. It.
Me: A nose?
NO MOMMY!!!! What does EVERYONE HAVE?!!!
Kicking myself hard.
Me: Well, I know everyone loves a hug.
Blank face, growing angrier by the second. Looking at me like I said, “A hairless, albino mongoose.”
Chloe: You know, in my class? What everyone? Has? In my class? (Insert DUH!!!!! here)
Me: Oh, snow pants?
Totally infuriated, turning red, pot boiling over.
Chloe: You know, what everyone has? Star student?
Me: Right! Star student.
Chloe: Yeah. What does everyone have for star student.
Me: A st…a…r….?
Chloe: NO! Mommy! You’re not listening!
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Me: Sorry, but I am listening. I’m just not sure what language we’re speaking.
Sensing my sass.
Chloe: You know the thing everyone has Mommy? The little furry guy?
Me: From the toy bin?
Chloe: NO! From the movie?
Me: Okay, what movie?
Chloe: The one with the little furry guy!!!!!
Me: Monster’s Inc?
We’re getting close.
Chloe: And the girls….where he takes care of them!
Me: Oh, Despicable Me?
Chloe: YES! THAT’S WHAT I SAID!!!!
That is not what she said. Let the record show, she did NOT say Despicable Me but I’m very afraid to point that out.
Ellie (age 7): Hold my hands Mommy. Just hold my hands.
Not paying attention, I hold Ellie’s hands. She slides in between my legs on her back in a dramatic modern dance/figure skating move on our tile floor and whacks her feet on the grill under the fridge.
One kid shaking an angry fist in my face (does everyone have a fist?) another doing a snake impersonation down the hall to the shower.
Hanna (age 10): Mommy, wouldn’t I look good with blue hair?
Chloe hanging her head in disgust: IT’S THE MINIONS MOMMY! It’s the minions.
Just so I’m clear, the thing that EVERYONE has, are minions?
Chloe: I need to stay in the bath now. Maybe forever. I’ve been waiting for this bath all day. Can you just let me relax?