After a few days away, we wasted no time getting real on this whole “back to school” supplies idea and took the kids to Staples.

 
We were tired, the laundry was calling, I wasn’t thinking straight.

 
I bent over to pick up six packages of lined paper for $.10 (six was the maximum allotment per transaction. What kind of a dummy would leave with just five?)

 
A few seconds later, I heard Ellie say, “Oh my gosh, is that a tooth?”

 
Yep. It sure was Ellie. In fact, it was one of two teeth I had been carrying around in my purse all week after you lost them at the cottage and at 3am, I had nowhere to put them but an open pocket of my purse. I guess during the unpacking when we got home, I didn’t see “teeth” on my list of things to put away so there it was on the floor at Staples next to the $8 binders. Really? Binders are $8?

 
I knew when she pointed it out it was one of my purse tokens but before I could say anything, she was waving the Staples employee over to point it out. Maybe she was hoping he would bless us with a seventh package of ten cent paper for being exposed to something so incredibly gross.

 
The teenage boy looked confused. It was clearly a child’s tooth and I knew what I had to do.

 
I had to play along to protect my child’s innocence so I suggested he clean it up but hold onto it in case the kid who lost it comes back in looking for it.

 
I knew that kid wasn’t coming back because the kid who lost it was mine and she had already been compensated handsomely (at least 20 packages of lined paper worth in cold, hard cash).

 
The boy wasn’t sure if he should just kick the tooth under the aisle or go through the motions of appeasing some horrified customers (us).

 
He stepped behind the “Employees Only” door which is just a closet filled with racks of those red “easy” buttons and returned wearing gloves and maybe a mask.

 
While I didn’t think the hazmat suit was entirely necessary, he wasn’t taking any chances that the tooth may have come from a rabid bat.

 
We continued our shopping, shaking our heads at the absurdity of finding a tooth in of all places, Staples and I asked a little girl on our way out the door, “Excuse me, but did you lose a tooth?”

 
She looked confused.

 
I know. I’m going to hell.