I took Chloe to the mall for an hour while her older sisters were at swimming lessons and Greg “won” the assignment of spectator in the sweat lodge seating area, poolside.

I realized early on, Chloe doesn’t spend enough time with children her own age and it was obvious to other shoppers.

We walked into Chapters where Chloe spotted a large bean bag chair where she proceeded to spring into action and do a running splat, next to a Grandmother who was reading to her Grandchild bouncing them almost completely off of the chair.

She wandered over to the Thomas the Train display where she picked up two trains and walked away with them like she had plucked two apples from a tree and planned to shine them and eat them at her earliest convenience.

This confused the young boy whose caboose was now walking over to a table with a play tea-set. He would later sneak in to pretend to reach for the plastic piece of pizza, distracting Chloe with a sound coming from his mouth resembling a horn and by using a slight of hand trick managed to walk away with both trains.

The mother/daughter team having afternoon tea noticed Chloe hovering around the table and asked her to join them.

Chloe looked at me with shoulders shrugged and said, “But I don’t know how.”

Me: Well, you just sit down and have a cup of tea. I’ll come too.

Chloe: But I don’t know how to sit.

Me: Sure you do.

I tried to place her at the table but she locked her knees so there was no possibility of bending her to sit. Of course this had the tea drinkers doubting her ability to sit and questioning my insane attempt at forcing the matter given she had just announced to the world, she didn’t know how.

Host Mother: Could I pour you a cup of tea?

Chloe: But I don’t know how to sit.

Me: Maybe you’d like to stand and drink your tea.

We finally forced a plastic cup into her hand and I blew on the air around the empty cup cooling off the imaginary contents so she would get a feel for this strangely exciting interaction between strangers.

Chloe quickly put the lip of the cup in her mouth enveloping the handle and licking the drippings of her own drool and that of thousands of children before her.

So gross.

A Dad walked past spanking his son in a way he thought was discreet by slapping only when in sync with a loud train thud. I stared at the floor, the socially acceptable “I’m so disappointed I am a witness to this” while Chloe yelled, “Hey, that guy is smacking that other guy!”

We left shortly after that, but not before Chloe told the Geisha-in-training and anyone who would listen she likes to go pee and toots on the potty.