Last weekend, we went away with some friends on a beach vacation.

Everyone arrived at the beach eager to swim, except me, that’s for crazy people who think sharks are too smart to bite us. We were geared up to relax on the sand, catch up on some reading (anyone who hasn’t yet read 50 Shades because they’re afraid their kids might find out) and load up on some Vitamin D.

As we planted ourselves, we noticed the Lifeguard casually enjoying an apple from his perch, lots of families playing in the waves and oh, almost forgot, there were two flags waving from the back of his chair (this information will be crucial for later). One seemingly non-threatening purple flag and one whimsical yellow one.

The Lifeguard continued to eat his snack, some of our gang ran to frolic in the water, I whispered things like, “Goodbye friends. It was nice knowing you. May I have that black cashmere sweater-vest?” my mantra anytime I see people I love moments from being swallowed whole by JAWS.

At least twice, I was involved in conversations where someone asked, “I wonder what  those flags waving from the back of the Lifeguard’s chair mean?” We would quickly conclude they probably represented a professional team’s colours or that apples are now in season.

After Greg’s second swim, his curiosity got the better of him and he wandered over to the Lifeguard to inquire about the purple and yellow flags.

“The purple flag means there is predatory marine life in the water.” I can’t recall what the yellow one meant what with my fainting.

Thankfully, our friends were safe and one of the couples headed down the beach for a stroll.

Another friend and I decided we would catch up to them. I grabbed the camera in case there was an interesting shell worthy of a photo or maybe I would write something hilarious in the sand with the sharp end of a stick and frame it next to my extra wide, bare foot print.

We both noticed a crowd forming around something about 100m away. I’m guessing 100m because when I started into my full sprint, it felt like I was in a race at school. The difference was, this time I was Baywatching it down the beach in a bathing suit asking myself if there was anything faster than the speed of jiggle? It turns out, there isn’t, but that is high on my list of superpowers should I ever be granted one.

Thankfully, nobody cared about my sandy stumble because they were all surrounding something at the water’s edge.

In my mind, I was pretty sure (50/50) that it was the dolphin, Winter, from the movie Dolphin Tale.

Wrong.

It was the shark who ate Winter’s family after the movie was filmed and it was alive.

Some too-crazy-to-be-alive guys out fishing, lured a shark to near the shore where kids were making sand castles, Lifeguards were eating apples and the shark-fearing community (of which I am a voting member) wandered around thinking purple and yellow flags meant we should all root for the Rams and sharpen our fruit peelers.

The shark was angry (duh) and very much alive though after I watched several people sit on his (all sharks are boys) back to take pictures, I thought he might be dehydrating.

The same people who caught the shark, who made him very angry, who set him up to go back into the ocean to tell all of his buddies, the deal is off, humans are back on the table, released him back into the water as though they were heroes who had saved him from….oh right….THEM.

I didn’t want to watch the shark die on the beach but I didn’t feel very good (mostly dehydrated from the dry heaving in my mouth from terror) about watching his release.

I busied myself designing a new flag with a picture of a shark’s tooth, dripping with human blood and made it the size of a Carnival cruise ship to be hung should this situation ever present itself again.

Next vacation–the bat caves of Transylvania.