The kids are coming down from a Daddy Daycare, lawless weekend.
It’s widely understood that when Greg has the girls on his own he will resort to any and all tactics necessary for basic survival.
He quickly lays out the rules starting with Rule 1—There are no rules. Rule 2—When Mommy isn’t around, there’s no such thing as too many potato chips. Rule 3—Bedtime/Shmedtime.
Naturally, when I returned to three exhausted children, hair resembling seventies, disco dancers with remnants of the stuff you might find on the disco floor gluing it in place, pupils fully dilated, speech somewhat impaired, wearing the same clothes from the day before, except for socks which may or may not have been burned in a ritualistic sock-smoke ceremony, I had a few questions.
I was unable to ask or even speak because I had three kids jumping up and down trying to stay focused, wanting to tell me how amazingly fun it is to hang out with Daddy when I’m not home.
What’s worse, they got to hang out with another Daddy and his two kids with the same vision for how a Mommy-less weekend should play out:
- Maple Bacon potato chips should bookend hot dogs and cookies. If hot dog or cookie flavoured chips existed, the kids will vote on how to layer all three chips for maximum flavour infusion.
- We will Google hot dog and cookie potato chips just to be sure we aren’t missing out on a food sensation that could change lives.
- Movie watching takes priority over sleeping.
- Bathing is not optional—it is forbidden.
- Never discuss the Daddy Daycare rules with Mommy.
They failed miserably on the last one, too excited to contain themselves.
I was surprisingly okay with all of it; the rules, the junk food, lack of sleep and personal grooming. I guess because being away from Greg and the kids makes me appreciate what we have.
Also, there are some rules about Mommy’s Night Out that made the situation I was returning to, tolerable.
- The more time you spend shopping with girlfriends, the more human you feel.
- When you go to a restaurant and only visit the restroom once, on your terms because you have to and not because one, two or three kids want to see if the toilets are noisy flushers, you feel alive.
- The more champagne you drink, the better Maple Bacon, hot dog and cookie potato chips sound.
- Bedtime takes priority over everything.
