I went to buy Hanna a ski helmet, for skating.
I assumed if I bought her a ski helmet (since we are now skiers, having done it once) it could double as a skating helmet and I wouldn’t have to buy two.
She has a helmet for skating but it is too small and I thought if I was just buying one and we’ve perfected skating, (which is so last season) I would buy one for skiing instead.
None of this matters. I came up short on both flaps.
I walked into my first Sporting Goods store and was met with an employee holding a clipboard.
My typical reaction to the clipboard is to grab it and smash it over my knee, wait, that’s what I do with cell phones.
I do try to avoid the survey taking when I have helmets on the brain. It’s one of the only shopping rules I just don’t waiver on.
I needed to remain focused but was handed a ticket by clipboard lady and told I had to scan it at the kiosk in front of me to see if I had won something like five million dollars.
Okay!
When I walked over to the kiosk, several people wearing matching outfits, all carrying clipboards pounced, surrounding me and took my ticket while I whispered, “helmet, ski helmet, for skating, skating helmet, don’t confuse me, five million, we’re rich.”
The ticket was a trick! I tried to scan it against the computer monitor in front of me, shoving it into various chip readers and slots, waving it in the air, wiping it on the clipboard.
I was prompted to type my name into the computer.
Fine, but I really just want a ski helmet so Hanna can go skating.
I typed in “Liz” and the clipboard-wielding gentleman (who was also wearing a bowtie) to my right said is that short for something?
Yes, I’m short one helmet….a ski helmet for skating.
He told me I had to type in my full name as it appears on my photo ID.
Clearly, I am the winner.
I deleted Liz and started randomly pressing buttons.
Clipboard Guy B: Is this your name?
Me: Yes.
The name is “Bleks7frdmij?”
Me: I really just came to buy a ski helmet for skating.
Long pause.
After a series of screens, asking me my home address, phone number, my occupation but not my weight as they so rudely asked at the ski hill, I was promoted to the next round.
Me: Sorry, but I really don’t have time for this.
They all looked at me like I was crazy for not believing in the magical $5 million ticket to freedom I was seconds from being awarded.
I could tell I was going to need a helmet if I walked away from any of them. They just stared at the computer with only a portion of my banking information populated and Greg’s eye colour at birth.
I found the helmet aisle then asked the person in uniform if they could help me. They couldn’t. They were from the paint aisle but clearly lost. I was too fatigued to ask why they were in the helmet aisle. I’m pretty sure he was hiding from Team Clipboard.
Finally “Mike” came along and asked if he could help.
I told him I was looking for a ski helmet for my daughter for skating.
Mike: We don’t sell ski helmets……for skating.
Okay, how do I get out of here without a clipboard?
