My daughter was invited to a slumber party/birthday party.

In terms of sleepovers it’s the gold standard.

We parents have tried to out-do each other with one party theme trumping the next and the only thing that seems to get the kids more excited than paint ball wars while trampolining as they paint pottery (mid-jump) is to host a slumber party.

Why am I not crazy about this idea?

I LOVED sleepovers and slumber parties as a kid.

In fact, I remember the birth of a rule in our home, “Only ONE sleepover per weekend” because there came a point in our young lives when we would plan where we were sleeping over on Friday night and who was sleeping at our house on Saturday.

Consequently, our parents “won” some beastly children who could barely speak, eat or groom themselves due to lack of sleep. We were over-sugared and under-watered which is why none of us grew beyond 5’5″.

But why do I think it’s such a bad idea?

I guess because I feel as though my daughter and her hosts/friends think they’re trying to dupe me.

Do they think I don’t know what happens at a slumber party?

Dear Ms. Hastings, we will be ordering pizza for the girls and serving breakfast in the morning.

Why can’t they just say, “the only thing your child will be eating will be powdered sugar through a straw.”

Host: Please send a sleeping bag and pillow.

Why, so it can get wet from soaking her hand in water and trying to make her pee in her sleep? Should I pack the pillow with the hardest punch because fighting is going to be the only thing it’s used for.

But why shouldn’t my daughter get to experience all of the fun that comes with staying away from home, giggling with friends and brushing her teeth with a licorice?

Host: There will be seven girls in total.

Oh good, lucky seven. They couldn’t possibly get into any trouble.