I arrived at the Rec Centre for the baby and me diaper-fit class this morning as usual racing from the grocery store where I had loaded a cooler with products that had no business sitting in a warm van for two hours and tried to push my way past a “closed for maintenance” sign blocking the family change room. Oh God, my worst nightmare was about to come true.

I instantly became very aware of my choice in undergarments as today I was going to be forced to change in the women’s change room where there were no private cubbies to hide my monstrous yet totally functional, practical and oh so cozy granny panties, just a long bench followed by a bank of showers, not unlike how I would imagine a women’s prison.

I wheeled the stroller into a sea of nudity. Yuck. One little naked raisin emerged from behind the door having just used the toilet and at 90 years old, I caught a glimpse of my future. Please kill me now.

Oh good, some of the moms from my class are here and already changed, chatting and waiting to be let out on the deck so their full attention can swing my way when it’s time to disrobe.

Cubbies are wonderful things. I can wear underwear that rests just under my bra, well above the waist of my jeans but with a long shirt, no one is ever the wiser……until today.

Then I became defensive, chanting things in my head; I didn’t come here to make friends, I’ve had three kids, I was rushed, got dressed in the dark, my focus was on keeping the groceries chilled and not on whether my bra and panties (I use the term loosely) matched etc. I seemed to be getting angry for some reason.

Then I heard some arguing. People were distracted and I could quickly put on my breast-padded swimsuit, pad side out. I could then remove the bathing suit, reverse it and put it on properly.

A woman was outraged someone had stolen the insert from her car-seat while she left it in the women’s change room to attend her class.

There we were, all of us naked, all of us suspects. Where would one hide a car-seat insert while standing nude? I’ve walked into the strangest crime scene imaginable, including crimes against fashion, in particular one Ms. Victoria Secret as exercised by me.