Bats, vampires, books followed by movies about vampires, summer humidity and finally writing about my fear of bats, it was inevitable.

My father-in-law awoke the other night to the air slowly swirling around the room, drafting back and forth, circling like a fan running out of power as he drifted into consciousness.

He turned to his bed-side lamp to confirm what he already knew. He had a visitor.

Fumbling as one might after being awoken by a swooping, disgusting, fanged creature at 3a.m. his first attempt at saving private guano was to slide open the vertical blinds in the hopes the bat would thank him kindly for the least complicated exit strategy and be on his way.

I admire my father-in-law’s courage as I knew as he told the story, there would be a Lizzy shaped hole in the screen window and I would be walking with crutches or worse having jumped from the second storey balcony.

The bat flew in the opposite direction (of course), so predictably flapping in an unpredictable pattern.

He was finally discovered in the en suite bathroom shower, where he hung out in his cave, preparing his next series of scare tactics.

In an effort to save the critter’s life, my father-in-law tried everything to subdue him including spraying him with hair-spray followed by OFF Deep Woods.

While this may seem cruel and unusual punishment, remember this was all in an attempt to allow the bat to live to see (through laser beam eyes) another night.

When the squealing ceased, the bat was escorted outside between a broom and dustpan, newly coiffed and ready to intrude on his next party, likely formal since his hair had been done.

I wonder if my father-in-law realized that in saving the bat’s life but spraying him with the very potion that would instantly deter mosquitoes (his life blood) from getting in his path he has, rather than saved a life, instead imposed one of the harshest deaths imaginable…..death by starvation followed by a group of friends mocking your feathered hair.