A few snippets from our classic fairytales before heading to bed.

Snow White: “The Queen was very pretty, but also very cruel.” Finally, we’re teaching our young girls all attractive women are bitches at such a young age.

“Snow White was obedient (ahem) and hard-working. She dreamed that someday a prince would take her away.”
This book is the Second Edition printed in 2006. I’m curious to know what was printed in the First Edition if being obedient and waiting to be swept away had the potential for revision?

“The Queen flew into a rage. She called her royal huntsman into the throne room and commanded him to take Snow White deep into the forest and kill her.” So now we have an illogical woman throwing a fit, taking out a hit on a young girl Soprano-style. Coochee coochee coo.

The Lion King: “Do you know what we do to kings who step out of their kingdom?” one hyena threatened. Is it hug them and kiss them and play Guess Who?

“the snarling hyenas chased the cubs into a ravine that was blocked by a large elephant skeleton. The cubs were trapped.”

“Snarling”, “chased”, “skeleton”, “trapped”…these are a few of my favourite things….

“Daaaad!” Simba cried. Mufasa leaped up and clung to the edge of a cliff, trying to pull himself to safety. By the time Simba got there, it was too late. His father had died. Simba believed Mufasa’s death was his fault.” Oh yes, this is better. This time the child watches helplessly as the parent slowly dies in front of him and just about makes it to his aid before his death, blaming himself for eternity.

 Who wants a tickle fight?

Peter Pan—two crocodile attacks. Here I thought JAWS was a horror movie.

The Three Little Pigs—“in the nearby woods there lived a big, bad wolf who liked nothing better than to catch little pigs and eat them!” He’s in luck, because the three cute characters who spend the story running for their lives and building protective shelter, to avoid being devoured are, you guessed it, pigs. It’s really only a matter of time before the wolf rears his predictably disgusting, un-kept, greasy bearded head and lengthy, fanged teeth so let’s clench our jaws and sink a little deeper into the mattress before we get too far in.

The Aristocats: disgruntled butler, awaiting an undeserved inheritance that is instead being left to cats. After poisoning and kidnapping the cats, “the basket holding the cats fell off the motorcycle and rolled under a bridge.” The lesson here girls is, motorcycles are dangerous so wear a helmet.

Cinderella: “Once upon a time, there was a pretty young girl named Cinderella. She lived with her widowed father. He loved her very much, but thought she needed a mother. So he married a woman with two daughters. Not long after that, he died.”

I can see why the story is more appropriate for kids if the mother is already dead and the father has a chance to re-marry before he too dies. Thankfully, he marries a wonderful, kind woman with gracious daughters of her own. No?
Phew, I just read on. “She made friends with the mice and birds and even sewed little outfits for them.” That does make up for things, all’s well that ends well.

Am I being too sensitive or is it time to close this chapter? Is there a Third edition suggestion box?

In summary kids, if you are looking for a role model to emulate, women in this collection are; dead, evil or helpless. Men are; charming, royal, handsome heroes.

Good night. Sleep tight—don’t let the fire, evil queens, or hunters kill you in your sleep.