The department store where we purchased our oven sent over one of the area’s finest this morning (a week late which is to be expected) to first get paid to diagnose a problem we have been having and then write me a ticket for something we were in violation of but more than likely for having to deal with a busy mother and not “the man of the house.”

Men bond and form relationships during a simple service call and when they are stuck explaining how a hub becomes a router to mommy, there is a mutual feeling of disappointment.

I’ve got a baby who has eaten half of a pencil eraser and another child insisting that I hurry up and attempt to remove the cell phone from the game Operation not thinking to question why a cell phone replaced the bone that used to be there. Tonight’s nightmare topic—“Mommy, I think I swallowed a cell phone.”

For some reason, these service people always seem offended that I don’t want to stick my head in the oven and get a play by play tutorial of what they are doing. It’s not that I’m not interested…okay it is. Let me be the first to say I have no interest in how a gas oven ignitor replacement operation pans out. I care a lot more about the operation of removing a plastic cell phone from poor Rosalinda’s (our patient) vibrating body. If I wanted to do it myself, I would have taken a course, for the same amount of money I’m paying you to do it. This guy is oblivious I’m about to go into surgery. My nerves are already shot having to deal with sausage fingers and tiny, metal tools. I may never beat the buzzer today.

Greg always finds a way to befriend these guys and I think it’s because he has a genuine interest in how things work. I on the other hand have a patient who has swallowed a cell phone. Isn’t that more important?

Oh, here’s Purolator at the door and just when this ignitor stuff is starting to get juicy and gangrene is beginning to form on sweet, unsuspecting Rosalinda. Purolator guy is delivering an express post letter from the phone compnay telling us to expect a larger than usual bill due to high roaming charges this month. Seriously phone company do you just go out of your way to piss people off? Sending an urgent pre-bill notice to get people worked up before receiving the actual bill? Are we really worth two documents? The first wasn’t even sent via snail mail, someone saw this as being particularly devastating news and decided to deliver it asap.

Bored Phone Company Guy: Call Purolator stat—we’ve got some customers that are really going to lose it when they see next month’s bill!

The maintenance guy suggested I could take the opportunity to clean behind the oven now that he had pulled it out. Oh hello Mothra. I see you’re sharing condo space with the den the dust bunnies have built and decided to call home. I tried shoving the vacuum hose back there, but it just coughed, “Are you kidding me?”

 Greg would have scheduled a racquet ball game with this guy by now.

I found an industrial sized sponge back there. I must have just thrown it in the air hoping it would drop behind and magically start cleaning the wall and surrounding area without the aid of a human hand. Cleaning for the truly lazy.

While Greg and his new buddy would have just discovered they have a mutual friend they met at a pita shop fifteen years ago and would be laughing at how this person from the past never fails to bring a smile to both of their faces, instead, he told me he was going to have to “write me up” for an infraction.

He might have noticed my jaw hitting the ground if it hadn’t been for my scrubs and surgical mask.

Why do these guys always pick on me?

The “ticket” was a result of a missing piece, mandated by law on all ovens, some sort of anti-tipping device. Apparently it was required to be installed originally by guess who?

I set the scarlet letter next to the new ignitor box, the huge, non- “hey-we’re-buddies-now” discounted bill and thought to myself, Greg would have been asked to be in this guy’s wedding party after this visit. He’d be jockeying for position two or three, not the best man. That role would be reserved for someone who went to Jack-ass school with him……who is now an intern with the phone company.