I remember life before cell phones.

Recently, I saw an episode of Three’s Company (it’s beyond my control, something in me has to stop and watch when I see that show) where Jack was talking about trying to get a hold of someone (likely a date..oh that Jack) but there was no way to reach her. He joked, “Sure, I could call her, if she had a phone in her car!” The audience/laugh track erupted in hysterics at the idea of someone having a phone in their car.

I went to Bell to replace my three year old phone yesterday. I needed a new phone, not because mine was embarrassingly outdated or no longer “epic” or “sick.” I needed a phone because I dropped mine on the pool deck the other day while trying to talk Greg into the building as he had been roaming aimlessly around the parking lot for what seemed like hours and without a satchel of water or baggie of snacks, fatigue had already begun to set in.

I closed my phone, ending the call and dropped it on the pool deck (as you do) where the battery scooted forty feet across the deck and into the water. I took a quick glance at the viewing audience to see if anyone had noticed and then quickly slunk into the change room with Chloe’s new toy phone.

I wonder if while cleaning the filter later that night anyone thought, what do you think this battery fell out of? Is it part of the pool? Do you think someone has rigged their bathing suit to go faster?

Greg knew I was long overdue for a phone and while he was out on the weekend, popped into the local Bell store and asked what free phone I would be eligible for.

When Greg walks into stores like these, he owns the place. He knows all about the technology, the cases and uses words like WiFi, otter box and maybe even hubs and routers although people are pretty much gobsmacked with his verbiage before he can squeeze those two doozies in.

Greg returned home after having a discussion with the store rep and told me the following;

1. You are eligible for a free phone.
2. You can have any phone in the store—free
3. You do not have to change the current plan you are on (my current plan is talking on the phone once a month to give Greg directions to various local swimming pools and then tossing the battery in the water)
4. You can have this awesome new phone but they will suggest you add data to your plan. (The last thing I need in my life is to collect more data). Greg knowing this suggested, I decline the offer to upgrade my current package of giving directions, followed by tossing the battery because I will use the data only in WiFi hot-spots where it’s free)
5. You will have the option of declining the data addition upgrade
6. You will pay a $25 transfer fee and whatever it costs for an otter case to protect the new phone. That is all.

I went into Bell armed with words like “otter” and “case” and was ready for a smackdown if they even proposed the data upgrade.

As I had predicted, here’s what happened;

1. I was eligible for a free phone (check!)
2. I was not eligible for ANY free phone in the store. I was eligible for ONE phone—the crappiest one.
3. I had to change my current plan.
4. If I wanted the awesome phone it would cost me $1 million plus I would have to add a data plan. When I balked at the data, the sales guy asked me, “In what Universe did you think you could have this phone without a data plan?” Apparently, the one where batteries float around in swimming pools.
5. I declined the data option but I’m pretty sure it’s on there and I’m very sure I’m paying for it.
6. The otter case is for nice people who buy good phones. I was offered the chance to purchase a plastic pencil case and when I asked if it would protect the phone if I dropped it I was told, “It will protect the back only.” Hmm. That doesn’t do me much good if I drop it then does it? Unless it’s like a piece of buttered toast and only lands butter side down. I considered buttering the other side of my phone.

I was offered the opportunity (thanks!) to purchase a second cover, this one for the front. I opted instead to rig one out of an old jelly shoe which I knew would look better than the one he was trying to sell me for $49.99. (and that’s just to protect half of my phone) and it might even bounce over the shallow end next time.

Chloe asked why the boy serving us was wearing two earrings.

On the way out the door, I dropped the phone.

Butter side down.