I knew when I turned thirty-six (last August) based on the myriad of articles (two) referencing how a woman’s body turns to mush and her bones just crumble under the skin leaving her a frame filled with mush and she can barely maintain a hunchbacked stance the minute she ages beyond thirty-five, I was prepared for my toothless system to start shutting down.

I’ve been waiting for signs of deterioration.

This week I had two episodes where I was overcome with intense heat. I’m not saying these were hot flashes or premature menopause, I’m merely saying at thirty-six, if I feel hot, I’m likely going to go there.

These waves of warm discomfort happened first in the grocery store after walking around for an hour wearing two layers under my scarf and zipped up coat and second in my basement when the new fireplace managed to heat the room to in excess of thirty degrees. Could outside factors have contributed to my physiological response? Perhaps but if I can help one other woman who has worn too many layers while in constant motion in the produce aisle or sat in a hot box while playing Battleship with an eight year old then I’ll consider this post worthwhile.

I have other reasons for worrying.

Yesterday, I was driving somewhere with the kids and they asked me to turn on the radio so they could listen to music in the van.

For the first time ever, I heard the entire Alicia Keys song about New York, aptly entitled Something Something New York and I started to tear up. There was absolutely no logical reason for me to find anything about this song emotionally jarring. It is about New York, a city I have never visited. It is about someone moving an empty fridge on the street corner, something I’ve never done nor understood why anyone other than professional movers would ever attempt. It is about crack being sold on the street—at least I think that’s what the lyric said. Other than the “lights will inspire you” there was no reason for me to connect with this song in any way and yet, I felt moved beyond words. The lights will inspire you? Hardly a tear-jerker.

When we arrived at the store, I noticed packages of stickers being sold at the check-out. I glanced at the stickers probably because there was no real “theme” linking the page of stickers and I was probably wondering why there was a sticker of a sandwich next to a jar of something and then I read the words “Scratch ‘N Sniff.” They were $2.99 for four stickers.

Something came over me and I said to Ellie, “Do you know what these are? These are Scratch ‘N Sniff stickers!” I used to collect these and never, ever did they come in a package. I had to buy them individually and I would carefully place them in my sticker book and scratch them until there was nothing but a piece of sticky, white paper left on the page and a seven year old girl’s body passed out on the floor having sniffed a gasoline sticker for an entire afternoon.

Ellie didn’t seem all that interested–the lights had not inspired her.

Later she even referred to them as “those things you smell when you rub your nail over them.” She was totally messing with me.

I felt so nostalgic in that moment. Sure I could have walked next door to Dollarama and bought a wagon full of regular stickers for a third of the price of these four Scratch ‘N Sniffs but something in me had to have those stickers.

This is how it starts.

The beginning of the end.