After a month of soul searching, a lengthy 30 day hiatus, a swimming sabbatical where I did nothing but eat seaweed and watch the Little Mermaid on a continuous loop (what?) I decided to go back to my swimming lessons, mostly because Costco had some really reasonably priced women’s bathing suits, this time, with a healthy amount of padding.

I knew it would be a struggle after such a long break but I didn’t know I was going to feel as though I was starting right back at the beginning in the special project lane.

As the lesson progressed; I got into a groove and felt less and less like vomiting as we neared the end of the hour.

Until the end of the practice.

The final assignment was to find a partner, I would say “buddy” but this exercise had nothing to do with making friends and meet in the middle of the pool with one kick-board between us. For those of you born before 2014, what I mean to say is “flutter board.”

With the single board turned on its side, swimmers on either side were to float facing each other and when the instructor shouted “Go!” or “Huzzah!” or “Let them eat cake!” we started ferociously flutter-kicking in an attempt to push the other person towards their end of the pool.

I lost all four 30 second intervals. It wasn’t even a contest. An 0 and 4 record and shaky legs sent me packing.

I couldn’t help but shout things like, “Are you cheating?” to my opponent and then ratting her out to the instructor as she shoved me up against the wall.

And not for lack of trying. I was seriously giving it my all. I have the jimmy-legs to prove it.

It was a bit like being on the losing side of the tug-of war team but without a team to drink beer with afterwards, although by that logic, I would have won because we definitely ended things on my side.

Regardless, the padding is still intact in my suit so I’ll be there with my game face today….and maybe a Little Mermaid tail.