If a Gardening magazine were to call right now for an interview, here’s how it would sound.

 
Green Thumb: Hi Liz, we saw you working in your garden this morning. On a scale of 1-10 (1 being you’d rather shave your head with a cheese grater (Sam Malone), 10 being, Hydrangea is your middle name), how much do you love gardening?

 
Me: Negative one thousand.

 
Green Thumb: Liz, were you aware your rudbeckia have really taken over your garden and are completely out of control?

 
Me: I am FULLY aware, wait, are those the yellow ones? Then yes, a couple of neighbours have mentioned it (and also my Mom).

 
GT: Did you know there are no poisonous snakes in this part of the country?

 
Me: Of course I did. Everyone knows that.

 
GT: Oh, because you were really hopping around in there like you were afraid of something biting or attacking you.

 
Me: I burn more calories the more I move around. Also there was a headline about two cougars this morning and it got me thinking.

 
GT: Liz, do you think Dollarama is the best place to buy your gardening gloves and other tools?

 
Me: Well if there was a store that sold nothing but gardening supplies…..there is?

 
GT: When your Mom says, “Just cut it all back” Do you know what that means or how to execute? Do you think she has any understanding of how many weeks that would take to do?

 
Me: Next question.

 
GT: Liz, it’s time to split those hostas.

 
Me: Yep.

 
GT: When you say to your husband, “We really messed up this garden, planting all kinds of extra things and not sticking to the original plan,” Do you think it’s fair to be using the pronoun “we” instead of “I”?

 
Me: Did Greg put you up to that one?

 
GT: If you were to plant this garden all over again….

 
Me: I would pave it.