I spent Christmas Eve morning at the Doctor’s office with Chloe.

 
She woke up with a fever and I didn’t want to risk waiting around for two months for the office to re-open after the holidays.

 
The Doctor checked her ears and throat, did a strep test and they were all clear. This was both good and bad news. Good because my child wasn’t suffering, bad because I looked like a fool for bringing her to the office when I should have been keeping up with the herd at the mall.

 
But looking like a fool was just getting started.

 
The Doctor suggested we rule out a urinary tract infection by testing a sample collected by the winner who drove her to the Doctor’s office.

 
This would mean a) asking Chloe if it burned when she peed and b) having me hold a thimble under her urine stream in the Doctor’s office bathroom in the hopes we would catch lightning in a bottle or at the very least, something that resembled the colour of lightning.

 
Doctor: Chloe, does it hurt when you pee?

 
Chloe: Yes, yes it does.

 
Me: Where does it hurt Chloe?

 
Chloe: My back and shoulders mostly.

 
Exactly.

 
Off we went to the bathroom with our orange-lidded container. Too bad we had just visited this room a few short moments before the Doctor came in to see us so the likelihood of Chloe peeing a second time within five minutes would be about as likely as Rudolf walking into the office to ask for directions.

 
On this, the first (of many visits) Chloe did say, “Mom, we’re just all growing up so fast.” So, there’s that.

 
I can’t remember the exact number of times Chloe said, “Here it is. It’s coming” but around a billion would be close.

 
She did point out the giant, curly hair resting on my knuckle after diving under her around the thirtieth attempt.

 
No luck.

 
We slunk out of the restroom, empty bottle of broken dreams, excited nurses turned their backs to us and headed to the pharmacy to buy some juice in the hopes it would prompt a stream.

 
The pharmacy sold the following beverages; bottled water, Orange crush and Barqs rootbeer. This is a medical pharmacy, filling prescriptions three feet away from a soda fountain/candy factory. The only thing missing was a cotton candy machine. Weird.

 
I bought the water and Chloe chugged oh, I’d guess at least a cap-full with a lot of begging on my part. Sometimes she would tip the bottle up, look at me and nod like this time, this time Mommy, I’m actually drinking something. Others she kept the lid on and placed the top of the bottle inside her mouth just for shits and giggles.

 
We waited for an hour and made ourselves very familiar with the Doctor’s office bathroom and the various hairs in and around the toilet bowl. Still no pee.

 
I couldn’t go home knowing she might have a urinary tract infection including totally normal symptoms like upper back and shoulder pain.

 
I looked at the clock and at 11:15am I knew I had to switch gears. We had until noon before the office closed, perhaps forever. Chloe. Must. Pee!

 
We drove to Tim Horton’s and ordered some chicken noodle soup and chocolate milk with a straw. If there’s one thing my kids will drink it’s a beverage served with a straw.

 
Chloe wanted only the free bun that appeared as if from nowhere in the bag.

 
We drove back to the Doctor’s office parking lot and at 11:47am I said in the calmest way I know how, “Chloe, DOYOUHAVETOPEENOW????????????”

 
Nope.

 
And home we went. Office doors locked. Orange lid still intact. Bun in various states of chew.

 
Merry Christmas everyone.

 
She peed at home.

 
Then I rubbed her shoulders.