Once a millennium we decide to purchase a new king size mattress for our bedroom.
It’s usually right around the time one of us is swallowed hole by the divot in the centre or near- centre (Greg’s side) of the bed. It also coincides with the morning one of us wakes up with a coil spring embedded completely under a rib cage.

 
We walked into the mattress store where the prices are made up on the spot. The attentive sales staff, all in disguise as customers, sound asleep on the various beds do a quick rock, paper, scissors to see who will spring alive and help us find the mattress that best suits our lifestyle—t.v. watching and hiding from children.

We outed ourselves as being long overdue for a new mattress the second we started asking about pillow-tops.

 
The sales rep showed us a bed even the Princess from the Princess and the Pea would have difficulty climbing into (this would be the bed we would order) and despite the price tag reading “$3999!” inside a red star, he said, “This one is $1250.”

 
“Oh, but the price says four thousand.”

 
“It’s a one day sale.”

 
Exactly, another wasted star.

 
We climbed onto the various mattresses hugging hip pillows and asking for a tray of strawberries and champagne. What other store can you lay down wherever you want and not be judged? Not Winners, that’s where.

 
We found the right bed to last us another lifetime of sleeps and thought we should consider getting a new queen size mattress for our twelve year old whose mattress was in excellent shape but was made from what felt like random garden hoses wrapped in a thin layer of cardboard.

 
I don’t know why we thought it would be funny to surprise her with a mattress and by “surprise” I mean, we agreed not to say anything and see if she even noticed when she climbed into bed. We get so few opportunities to trick our children this seemed like a good one.

 
The mattresses arrived yesterday, ours by 80 foot crane, Hanna’s came through the front door.

 
The kids took turns trying to climb onto our new bed. Two of the three were able with the right hurdle before their sprint down the hall. Chloe had no chance. Score one parents.

 
Chloe then walked past Hanna’s room and said, “Why does Hanna’s bed look bigger too?”

 
Hilarious joke spoiled.

 
When I woke up this morning, my nightstand appeared low and almost miniature. The alarm clock looked like a doll house accessory from being up that high. Greg ruled out the option of ever installing a ceiling fan or we would both be bald by morning.

 
Here’s to a thousand years of rest!