I’ve been reading up on this detoxing trend trying to familiarize myself with the process and figure out why it’s so popular and what the health risks/benefits are.

1. You must cut out caffeine.

Easy. I really only have one cup of tea a day and that’s only to make me feel like a full-fledged adult. Now that Rrrrrroll Up The Rim is over and my 1 in 6 chance of winning a free tea for tomorrow (which sadly never happened) have been snuffed I can easily give it up.

2. You must eat only pure foods, nothing processed.

Does Costco have a Returns and Exchanges counter? No problem.

3. Cut out refined sugars.

I think I might be detoxing already and didn’t even know it. I can certainly live fourteen days without a couple of squares from my frozen Fruit ‘N Nut bar. It’ll keep in the freezer next to my eye de-puffing glasses.

4. No salt.

 Do the inventors of this program have any idea what kind of home I lived in as a child? My then boyfriend, now husband brought his own salt shaker over for Thanksgiving dinner because aside from water softener or driveway salt, there was none to be had.

 5. No alcohol.

 Dear Dr. Kevorkian—what is the matter with you?