After the third day of fish-sitting, the kids had lost interest and once again I knew the three day test for future potential pet ownership would remain at a solid “NOT EVEN CLOSE.”
We agreed to fish-sit our neighbours pet while they were on vacation. It seemed fair. They hauled tiny, plastic buckets of water three houses away to water our plants while we were at the cottage for two weeks, without being asked. They pruned our trees, trimmed our hedges, washed and replaced oil-filters on our cars, collected our mail, excavated, set up a welcome home scavenger hunt, mints on pillows, washed baseboards, harvested apples, so yes, I guess I can shove a plastic bowl in a corner of my laundry room and occasionally drop some food you provide into it. Thankfully, it’s a room I frequent so the chances of forgetting are slim.
The fish food spilled on the floor as the baby swept her anything-but-graceful arm across the counter while my in-laws sat on opposite ends of their couch, each with a phone receiver in their ear to wish me a happy birthday. I hope when the fish food fluttered to the floor they removed the ear piece to look at each other and say, “Is she insane?” while I screamed, “F%$#!”
Fish food is the consistency of confetti after it’s been professionally stripped and thinned at the salon. Unlike pink, blue, green confetti, it’s brown and smells….like rotting fish.
Meteorologists suggested there were just the right weather/spilled fish food conditions to stick to the baby’s bare feet as she ran through the house with the perfect percentage of humidity for some unprecedented staying power. With the windows open, the air flow was enough to allow thousands of particles to remain airborne for the older children to swipe at as if they were part of some mystical slow-motion game of fairy-dust vs. zombies or at the very least, the Wii version. Oblivious to the canned tuna scent they would ooze for the rest of the day, the rest of the flakes would settle and stick to the tile floor and walls as if they were flakes of double-sided tape.
Did you know fish food melts into the soles of your feet and hardwood flooring on impact? Unlike M&M’s that might motivate you to lick your palms, spilled fish food makes you want to gag the second the lid is removed. While on your feet, it becomes a brown smear, impossible to wipe off because the consistency mixed with human sweat is the exact recipe they use in liquid cement factories.
There’s nothing unique about your food Snowflake.
Each piece looks exactly the same.
I think next time I’ll opt for oil filter/mail retrieval. It’s cheaper than replacing drywall.
