I lost my wedding band in our pool today.

I was strapped to a tether trying to exercise (side note: If you ever want to witness pure glam, swing by during one of my work-outs. I’m the one wearing a red, children’s bathing cap so tight my eyebrows aren’t just a monobrow, they overlap in the angriest Burt furl from Sesame Street you’ve ever seen, foggy goggles and a suit that is neither slimming nor purple as it was the day I bought it).

The ring slipped off as I was counting my strokes and by the time I unravelled/untangled myself from the bungee and harness, the ring was gone.

I knew it was in the pool. Not because I heard a plunk or a plink nor from the absence of a clinking  across the patio. I just knew my reach was barely out of the water when it slid off.

I scrambled under the water first to see if I could watch it trickling down to the bottom, then I scoured the bottom but I was out of breath from my set so I was only able to go under the surface in three second, crazy-obsessed-lady intervals.

Then I got out of the pool and walked around mumbling to myself, “Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.” The folded over brows were coming in handy.

I rationalized hoping it would end up in the filter or the skimmer. Then I questioned which was the filter and which was the skimmer and did one lead out into the ocean while the other came to a firm stop at the edge of the pool?

I was scared, then sad, then angry.

Then I was like, “Who cares about a ring? I have two more just like it. Greg takes his off at restaurants and uses it to amuse the table like it’s a spinning top. What does it even mean?”

Then I went into this pathetic, bathing cap, angry eye-browed woman on the edge on a mission to defend our basic rights and change societal norms.

“Don’t our families and friends know we’re happily married?”

“Why do I need some ring, some stupid symbol (I said stupid) to tell the rest of the world, ‘Hey everybody, I wear a ring, oooh.” What does that even mean?

“And society! Society has done this to us. Why can’t we all just live our lives without the burden and constant fear of not fitting in and….”

Oh Sweet Jesus! Found it!!!!!!!